Monthly Archives: June 2010
There might be some stuff mentioned here that’s TMI. So, sorry, but you’ve been warned.
1. I need to declutter my life. My house is so full of stuff – just stuff – that I don’t need or that isn’t organised. We’ve been in our house for almost two months and I still have numerous boxes to unpack. For the stuff we need to keep, I need to get shelves and such.
2. In relation to above point 1, I need to organise myself. Mentally and physically. No wonder I have such a hard time finding things when everything is such a mess. I need to downgrade, and put things away after using them. Everything needs a place, and if there’s no place for it, get rid of it.
3. I need to lose weight. I don’t mean fast and I don’t mean unhealthily – I am just sick of looking in the mirror and seeing fat rolls and huge thighs. I don’t want my thighs to rub together anymore. I want the freedom of wearing a skirt without the tops of my thighs chaffing.
4. I want money. I need to learn to put some aside, to save some. I’m so terrible when it comes to money – it’s like, I earn some, then think what an awesome job I’ve done, and go out to buy myself something. I’m then left with nothing again. If we want a family, I need to save money.
5. I need a sanctuary. A corner of a room with a comfy chair and bookshelves-galore where I can just chill and not worry about the mess (see points 1 & 2) that surrounds me.
6. I want more time for my Craft and my spirituality. I have always seen myself as a spiritual being, but the last year or so, I’ve felt very alone spiritually. I feel I’m not spreading my wings, grasping for more – I’m simply sitting stagnant. I’d love to be personally coming to some of the conclusions and realisations that, say, Jessica Mullen and Kelly Cree are coming to in their lives.
7. I want a better ‘personal’ life. Yes, I mean sex. It’s not terrible, but it could be better. I’m so tired most of the time that I can’t be bothered – another reason for me to lose weight – I want energy and drive. I feel bad when I’m not ‘up to it’. We’ve gone from 3, 4 sometimes 5 times a week to maybe that per month. Time to improve that area.
8. I need and want space. Being in a loving, wonderful relationship for so long (close to 7 years) has been an absolute blessing, but I need some time to myself sometimes. This is something Hubby doesn’t quite understand a lot of the time – he feels it’s me getting bored with him and any discussion about this sort of thing ends up in arguments. But I’m so independent in my nature that I need this breathing space. I’m an Aquarian!!! And there’s going to be less of a chance of this once we start trying for a baby, so I want this time while I can have it.
9. I want satisfaction. I want to be 99.9% satisfied and happy with what I have, and right now, I’m probably sitting at about 50%. And by what I have, I don’t mean material items. I want to be healthy, know where I’m headed in life, and happy with my current situation.
I’ve had this issue with a few different songs & podcasts but have always been able to fix it by changing information, etc. (by going to the file – for example, music.mp3 – then right-clicking > Properties > Details and changing the information there so it all matches).
However, with these podcasts, I can’t seem to get them to all group under the one heading, and particularly with the video podcasts, since there’s no album option in the Properties > Details, I can’t change them all to match – how can I get them to do so?!
The other night, Michael and I had a bit of an argument – one of those arguments that every couple should have once in a while – and in trying to resolve it, I asked him what he wanted.
“I’d like to have a kid,” he said.
I was pretty astonished to hear that come from him. I know he loves children, particularly his nephew, but I didn’t know he’d be ready for this step so soon.
Since I was about 18, I’ve thought about the possibilities of having a child. The idea of man, woman & child under the one roof seems like one of those romantic ideals. But is it really? I mean, what’s romantic about going to bed at 9pm because your child has been awake screaming and pooping his/her nappy from 2am the previous morning, only for it to happen all over again tonight? There’s nothing romantic about getting your boobs out to feed a baby, regardless of the time or place. I think the idea of being pregnant appealed to me – people cooing and ‘aww’ing over your bulging belly, asking when you’re due, etc. But having a child? I don’t know. The thought of pushing a football-sized being out my va-hoo-hoo makes me cringe.
My other main concern is money. It shouldn’t be the be-all and end-all decision-maker when it comes to having a child, but I would like to be able to give my child the best possible start to life, and to be able to continue that for them, for the next 18+ years.
So I have suggested to Michael that, while I’m not against the idea, I think we should wait. We need to open a savings account (which we have now applied for), save away some money every pay week, and after, say, 6 or 12 months, we’ll reconsider and see how life is treating us then. We will also need hospital cover, which we don’t have yet and once we apply for it, we’ll need to have it for 12 months before being able to utilise it.
I do look forward to the day we start a family – I see women on the street pushing prams or carrying their babies around, and I do think that I’d like to be one of those people – I just think we need to plan ahead.
Thanks to Dez for her blog post topic suggestion.
When we moved to Tasmania in August 2008, I started losing weight without trying. I was sitting at 108kg (~238lbs), depressed and unhappy, and as I walked more, ate healthier (just due to my mum’s home cooking rather than takeout every day), I was quickly down to 103kg (~227lbs), where I sat for a long time. It wasn’t until after our wedding in November 2009 that I’d been able to drop another two kilos and sit at 101kg (~222lbs) for another few months, and only the other day did I hit 100kg. I have been under 100kg in the last couple of years, but only due to illness, following which I simply put the weight back on.
As a kid, I always thought I was ‘bigger’ and ‘fatter’ than others. I felt like the chubby one, but in hindsight I wasn’t chubby at all – I was simply taller than everyone else and I felt awkward. As I got older, and puberty hit, I started putting weight on. I weighed about 80kg (176lbs) by age 13-14, had ‘thunder-thighs’ and felt gross about myself. This wasn’t helped by being surrounded by girls who were a foot shorter than me and weighed half my weight (well, half is probably an exaggeration, but you catch my drift).
To conquer my feelings of being inadequate, I ate. And ate. And ate. I’m definitely what one would class as an emotional eater. It’s a silly reference to use, but like Fat Bastard in Austin Powers said, “I eat because I’m unhappy, and I’m unhappy because I eat”. I’ve tried cutting down on the ‘bad’ stuff – the chocolate, the cookies, the takeout – but then I seem to find myself even unhappier than before (and thus the cycle starts again). I’ve never found it easy to eat fresh fruits and vegetables – I’m not a big fan of fruit to start with (bananas and watermelon are about the only fruits I’ll eat), and by the time I get home from my work day, the last thing I want to do is prepare vegetables for dinner, so we always have frozen veggies ready to go.
All my favourite foods are starchy and/or fattening – bread, cheese, chocolate, potatoes, chips, pasta – and I find it a real battle when going to the supermarket to not just pick up the ‘convenient’ stuff, and try to pick up the stuff that’s better for you but might take a little more preparation.
Another issue is portion sizes. My portion sizes were always quite small before I moved out of home, but when I moved in with Michael and his family, they served up huge portions night after night, and therefore my stomach stretched and now it takes more to fill me up. We’ve continued to eat large portions – instead of a small bowl of stroganoff or pasta, we’ll have a full bowl or sometimes a PLATEful.
I get really depressed when I think of how I’ve let myself go. I look back at pictures and see how skinny I really was when I thought I was fat. My stomach, thighs and arms are covered in stretchmarks, I feel horrible about myself, my (TMI) libido has disappeared, and I lack confidence in the person I see in the mirror.
I appreciate all the opportunties and experiences in my life – but I feel like losing all this weight will be the complete freedom I need. I know what my issues are and what I need to do to lose the weight – I’ve taken the first of many steps by walking to work since we live a little closer now – but this is only the beginning. By the end of it, I want to be around the 80kg/175lbs mark. That’s a good 20kg (44lbs) to lose. It’s going to be hard, but I need to do it for myself and for my future.
I’m quite often sitting at my computer, but it rarely occurs to me that I should be spending the time posting to my blog. I mean, I’ve spent this money to host and pay for a domain, and other than the occasional theme change and a post about the new house, my site gets utilised. I’d really like to make more of an effort around here, and I could make all the excuses – work, housework, shopping for groceries, going out – but you know what? Today I did absolutely nothing except sit on my ass, play games, watch TV, then cooked dinner. Why didn’t I take the time to write a blog post? I do have some theories.
1) Twitter. Now that I’m using Twitter pretty much daily, I find myself using that more often to talk about my daily life.
2) Facebook. The same reasons above, I’m using that more often, and thus there’s less that I feel I should be writing about on my blog.
3) Michael. No, it’s not that he prevents me from blogging. It’s more that because he’s in my life, I have someone to share my days with, and again I feel there’s less to talk about in a blog entry.
What do you guys think? For those of you who are regular bloggers, how do you come up with things to say on a daily (sometimes more) basis? I need something to cure this writer’s block.