Unable to Relax

Posted on July 05, 10 Filed under mind, body & spirit, rant 3 Comments

I count myself as a spiritual person – I believe I’m in touch, I believe in a higher power and I believe in things like ghosts and the supernatural. I believe in the power of positive thinking and giving the mind rest as well as pushing it to its limit in obtaining knowledge and understanding.

Meditation is one thing that I have tried, and failed miserably with every attempt. When I sit down to relax my body and mind, I can’t. Thoughts race through my head and I just cannot focus.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a hard time relaxing. If it’s not my body that wants to get up and moving, it’s my mind. Even getting to sleep is a huge deal for me – if I want to be asleep by 10:30pm, I need to be in bed and trying to get to sleep by 9:30pm. I’ve tried Valerian, Rescue Sleep, and other natural sleep/relaxation remedies, and none work. They all relax my body (which I’ll come back to), but nothing can stop all the thoughts I have running through my brain. This causes me to lay awake for hours on end, and wake up at random times during the night too.

As for my body, it takes shorter time for it to relax, but it still feels like my muscles could relax even more. The other night I was lying in bed and talking to Michael about this – my arm was by my side, with my hand curled up towards my face in what is a comfortable position. I completely relaxed my whole body… and yet it still felt like my arm could have relaxed even more. I don’t know if my muscles are all tense and tight or what, but all I knew is it kind of felt like my arm (and this happens with my whole body at stages – not just my arm) was propped up on something and wasn’t ‘drooping’ backwards the way it should. I even looked at it to make sure it wasn’t propped up on anything – nope, it was just flat on the bed.

I hate to ramble, and so much lately has been me rambling about my seeming misfortune, but hey – this is my site and I can write whatever I want, right? I guess this is a journal of sorts, a release, and a way to vent anger, frustrations, sadness, ecstasy and everything in-between.

Inspiration comes slowly.

Posted on July 04, 10 Filed under general, mind, body & spirit 1 Comment

For a long time now, I’ve been feeling very bored. Slowly getting into doing things around the house has brought out a little creativity, but there’s a lot of work to be done before the creative aspect starts.

For example, I want to get stuck into painting the kitchen and living room, and into making it a warmer and more inviting space to walk into. But part of this process is removing stubborn fucking wallpaper that refuses to budge. I’ve tried hot soapy water, and it worked for some of the process, but I’m going to have to hire a steamer to speed up the rest of the process because it’s just taking forever.

On a more mental and emotional level, I’m feeling less spiritual and ‘in touch’ than I used to. I used to find love, inspiration and wonder in the smallest things – now I find I’m far too busy to take notice. I can’t see the beauty in things any more. I feel like I’m so lost.

I’m hoping that, in the not-too-distant future, having a child will reopen my eyes to the wonder of the world – to be able to see again through a child’s eyes would be the most wonderous thing.

In the meantime, I’m going to have to start reminding myself to take note of the things around me.

Newer Entries »