For a long time now, I’ve been feeling very bored. Slowly getting into doing things around the house has brought out a little creativity, but there’s a lot of work to be done before the creative aspect starts.
For example, I want to get stuck into painting the kitchen and living room, and into making it a warmer and more inviting space to walk into. But part of this process is removing stubborn fucking wallpaper that refuses to budge. I’ve tried hot soapy water, and it worked for some of the process, but I’m going to have to hire a steamer to speed up the rest of the process because it’s just taking forever.
On a more mental and emotional level, I’m feeling less spiritual and ‘in touch’ than I used to. I used to find love, inspiration and wonder in the smallest things – now I find I’m far too busy to take notice. I can’t see the beauty in things any more. I feel like I’m so lost.
I’m hoping that, in the not-too-distant future, having a child will reopen my eyes to the wonder of the world – to be able to see again through a child’s eyes would be the most wonderous thing.
In the meantime, I’m going to have to start reminding myself to take note of the things around me.
The other night, Michael and I had a bit of an argument – one of those arguments that every couple should have once in a while – and in trying to resolve it, I asked him what he wanted.
“I’d like to have a kid,” he said.
I was pretty astonished to hear that come from him. I know he loves children, particularly his nephew, but I didn’t know he’d be ready for this step so soon.
Since I was about 18, I’ve thought about the possibilities of having a child. The idea of man, woman & child under the one roof seems like one of those romantic ideals. But is it really? I mean, what’s romantic about going to bed at 9pm because your child has been awake screaming and pooping his/her nappy from 2am the previous morning, only for it to happen all over again tonight? There’s nothing romantic about getting your boobs out to feed a baby, regardless of the time or place. I think the idea of being pregnant appealed to me – people cooing and ‘aww’ing over your bulging belly, asking when you’re due, etc. But having a child? I don’t know. The thought of pushing a football-sized being out my va-hoo-hoo makes me cringe.
My other main concern is money. It shouldn’t be the be-all and end-all decision-maker when it comes to having a child, but I would like to be able to give my child the best possible start to life, and to be able to continue that for them, for the next 18+ years.
So I have suggested to Michael that, while I’m not against the idea, I think we should wait. We need to open a savings account (which we have now applied for), save away some money every pay week, and after, say, 6 or 12 months, we’ll reconsider and see how life is treating us then. We will also need hospital cover, which we don’t have yet and once we apply for it, we’ll need to have it for 12 months before being able to utilise it.
I do look forward to the day we start a family – I see women on the street pushing prams or carrying their babies around, and I do think that I’d like to be one of those people – I just think we need to plan ahead.
