As a follow-on from my last post, and because it’s too long for a Facebook post, I wanted to record the last couple of days in a post because it was an absolute whirlwind of emotions for me. Warning: This will be long!

On Saturday 19th, at about 7:00pm, I was driving home and started getting some pretty uncomfortable pains in my abdomen. I shrugged it off as indigestion, and went home, straight to bed and thought I’d just try to sleep it off.

Sunday morning and I still wasn’t feeling 100% – the pains in my lower abdomen had gone but around my bellybutton and above was still rather uncomfortable and painful. Again, I shrugged it off and went about my day (in some pain) and it wasn’t till the evening that Michael said, “Maybe you should call the midwives, just to be safe”. I called the antenatal clinic, and they said because I was under 20 weeks with abdomenal pain, I would be taken to emergency. I called my mum, told her, she said to get out to the hospital. I called my dad, he came to pick us up and we went straight out.

After my Nana passed away on Friday, I didn’t think anything could get much worse.

This afternoon, my dad had a heart attack.

Thankfully, it wasn’t fatal, but he had to go to the local ER, and then to the General Hospital about an hour away. They did an angiogram and then had to put a stent in his heart to stop the clotting. He went off to hospital around 3:30, and we only just got home from the hospital about 40 minutes ago (11:40pm).

He’s doing well, just a bit light-headed and he is on monitors and everything at the Hospital. Otherwise in good spirits – he’s coherent and was joking about with the nurses. He’ll be there for the next few days, meaning he’ll miss my Nana’s funeral tomorrow afternoon.

Let’s hope things don’t happen in threes in this instance.

Inspired by my dear friend Sarah, and after seeing this on a couple of other blogs, it caused me to reflect back on the last decade and see how much I’ve changed in what really is a relatively short amount of time. It still seems strange to me that I can even remember back ten years – I know that I’m 22 and that I was 12 then, but it still doesn’t seem right that I should be able to remember back that far. Anyway, here goes…

2000
Age 12. In Grade 6, my final year of primary school. I remember I had a major crush on a guy in my class. Getting ready to head off to high school. Killing Heidi were (and still are) my favourite band. Started really getting involved with computers and webdesign.

2001
Age 13. My first year of high school. Felt awkward and out-of-place. Met some beautiful people, and some mean ones too. Discovered my real love for webdesign and got stuck into it. Had many high school crushes. Met my best friend (at the time), Sarah. Started wearing makeup. Achieved high grades and was awarded an Outstanding Academic Achievement award.

2002
Age 14. Barely remember it, but this is the year I started dance classes at school and fell in love with it. Discovered more friends and made my first male best friend. Got my site hosted for the very first time. Started learning how to use FTP. Achieved high grades and was awarded an Outstanding Academic Achievement award.

2003
Age 15. Fell madly in love with a guy I met online, only to be dumped and told he’d been cheating on me. In the interim, fell for another guy online (Michael) and met him in November. Lost the ‘V-Plates’. High school musical production, great fun and awesome experience. Achieved high grades and was awarded an Outstanding Academic Achievement award, along with three subject awards for Social Science, Dance and Media Studies. Passed Learner’s Permit test and started driving lessons with my mum and dad.

2004
Age 16. Final year of high school. Many trips back and forth to Melbourne to see Michael. Entered the Rock Eisteddfod Challenge with my dance class, and came fourth out of about 20 schools. Grades dropped a bit, enough to miss out on the OAA award for the fourth time. Didn’t care; was in love.

2005
Age 17. First year of college (Year 11). Had a ball this year – great classes, more relaxed learning atmosphere. Studied English, Maths, Psychology & Sociology, Environmental Science and Religion & Philosophy. Hated Enviro Science, and quit. Went to Vanuatu in September for Michael’s sister’s wedding. LOVED IT. Decided to move to Melbourne at the end of the year to be with Michael.

2006
Age 18. Living with Michael and his mum & stepdad. Enjoyed it, but a lot of tension at times. Studied Year 12 via distance education but gave up. Started looking for work. Got my first proper job with a government initiative for apprentices. Loved it. Bought Inspirata.org. First nephew arrived, Jonah. Got engaged on New Year’s Eve.

2007
Age 19. Continued working. Moved into our own apartment in April. Enjoyed the freedom but it was expensive. Got our first pet, Layla. Got my first and second tattoos.

2008
Age 20. Got another kitty to keep Layla company, and called him Hendrix. Went to my first arena concert to see Ozzy Osbourne. Came out of the broom closet. By June, decided we’d had enough of paying an exorbatant amount of rent and decided to move back to Tasmania. Got my third (and kind of fourth) tattoos. Packed up and left in August. Moved in with Mum & Dad to get us on our feet. Michael got a job at a printer cartridge store. I continued looking for work.

2009
Age 21. Huge party for my 21st, with friends coming down from Melbourne. Layla passed away. Cried. A lot. Moved into a rental. Bought Terri.nu Had two job interviews in May, and accepted one position as Legal Secretary. Started living a little, since we now had two incomes. Decided to get married with 5 months to plan. Married in November.

2010
Age 22. Managed to hold down my job for 12 months +. Lost a close family member to suicide. Moved out of the rental and bought our own house. Became DIY-lover. Resced Delilah. Continuing to work. Michael’s best mate got married. And … ?

Thanks to Dez for her blog post topic suggestion.

When we moved to Tasmania in August 2008, I started losing weight without trying. I was sitting at 108kg (~238lbs), depressed and unhappy, and as I walked more, ate healthier (just due to my mum’s home cooking rather than takeout every day), I was quickly down to 103kg (~227lbs), where I sat for a long time. It wasn’t until after our wedding in November 2009 that I’d been able to drop another two kilos and sit at 101kg (~222lbs) for another few months, and only the other day did I hit 100kg. I have been under 100kg in the last couple of years, but only due to illness, following which I simply put the weight back on.

As a kid, I always thought I was ‘bigger’ and ‘fatter’ than others. I felt like the chubby one, but in hindsight I wasn’t chubby at all – I was simply taller than everyone else and I felt awkward. As I got older, and puberty hit, I started putting weight on. I weighed about 80kg (176lbs) by age 13-14, had ‘thunder-thighs’ and felt gross about myself. This wasn’t helped by being surrounded by girls who were a foot shorter than me and weighed half my weight (well, half is probably an exaggeration, but you catch my drift).

To conquer my feelings of being inadequate, I ate. And ate. And ate. I’m definitely what one would class as an emotional eater. It’s a silly reference to use, but like Fat Bastard in Austin Powers said, “I eat because I’m unhappy, and I’m unhappy because I eat”. I’ve tried cutting down on the ‘bad’ stuff – the chocolate, the cookies, the takeout – but then I seem to find myself even unhappier than before (and thus the cycle starts again). I’ve never found it easy to eat fresh fruits and vegetables – I’m not a big fan of fruit to start with (bananas and watermelon are about the only fruits I’ll eat), and by the time I get home from my work day, the last thing I want to do is prepare vegetables for dinner, so we always have frozen veggies ready to go.

All my favourite foods are starchy and/or fattening – bread, cheese, chocolate, potatoes, chips, pasta – and I find it a real battle when going to the supermarket to not just pick up the ‘convenient’ stuff, and try to pick up the stuff that’s better for you but might take a little more preparation.

Another issue is portion sizes. My portion sizes were always quite small before I moved out of home, but when I moved in with Michael and his family, they served up huge portions night after night, and therefore my stomach stretched and now it takes more to fill me up. We’ve continued to eat large portions – instead of a small bowl of stroganoff or pasta, we’ll have a full bowl or sometimes a PLATEful.

I get really depressed when I think of how I’ve let myself go. I look back at pictures and see how skinny I really was when I thought I was fat. My stomach, thighs and arms are covered in stretchmarks, I feel horrible about myself, my (TMI) libido has disappeared, and I lack confidence in the person I see in the mirror.

I appreciate all the opportunties and experiences in my life – but I feel like losing all this weight will be the complete freedom I need. I know what my issues are and what I need to do to lose the weight – I’ve taken the first of many steps by walking to work since we live a little closer now – but this is only the beginning. By the end of it, I want to be around the 80kg/175lbs mark. That’s a good 20kg (44lbs) to lose. It’s going to be hard, but I need to do it for myself and for my future.

Some pictures:

2004 (look at my arms! So skinny!)

2007

Nov 2009

June 2010

Warning: This post is just my brain spilling everything that’s buzzing around in there. It’s all over the place, so I apologise.

So, I went back to work today. Joy, oh joy. As much as I enjoy my job, I dislike routine (hey, I’m an Aquarian), and getting stuck in a routine of getting up, showering, going to work, coming home, eating, sleeping, and doing it all again is just not my cup of tea. My ideal situation would be to work from home, but I know that’s a goal of a lot of people and it’s not easily attainable.

Maybe it’s because it’s only my first day back, but I guess I’m sick of being exhausted all the time. This might be another reason to lose some weight – maybe I’ll get back some of that energy that I’m lacking. But I’m really not that motivated to lose the weight. I need to lose about 23kg before I’m even at a slightly healthy weight.

Fuck it. I need to do it. I need to lose weight. I need lots of healthy, easy recipes though. I want to eat salads, but I’m not a fan of lettuce (I’ve had too many salads with heaps of lettuce that all tastes like dirt). Any ideas? I guess my problem is where do I start?!