Thanks to Dez for her blog post topic suggestion.
When we moved to Tasmania in August 2008, I started losing weight without trying. I was sitting at 108kg (~238lbs), depressed and unhappy, and as I walked more, ate healthier (just due to my mum’s home cooking rather than takeout every day), I was quickly down to 103kg (~227lbs), where I sat for a long time. It wasn’t until after our wedding in November 2009 that I’d been able to drop another two kilos and sit at 101kg (~222lbs) for another few months, and only the other day did I hit 100kg. I have been under 100kg in the last couple of years, but only due to illness, following which I simply put the weight back on.
As a kid, I always thought I was ‘bigger’ and ‘fatter’ than others. I felt like the chubby one, but in hindsight I wasn’t chubby at all – I was simply taller than everyone else and I felt awkward. As I got older, and puberty hit, I started putting weight on. I weighed about 80kg (176lbs) by age 13-14, had ‘thunder-thighs’ and felt gross about myself. This wasn’t helped by being surrounded by girls who were a foot shorter than me and weighed half my weight (well, half is probably an exaggeration, but you catch my drift).
To conquer my feelings of being inadequate, I ate. And ate. And ate. I’m definitely what one would class as an emotional eater. It’s a silly reference to use, but like Fat Bastard in Austin Powers said, “I eat because I’m unhappy, and I’m unhappy because I eat”. I’ve tried cutting down on the ‘bad’ stuff – the chocolate, the cookies, the takeout – but then I seem to find myself even unhappier than before (and thus the cycle starts again). I’ve never found it easy to eat fresh fruits and vegetables – I’m not a big fan of fruit to start with (bananas and watermelon are about the only fruits I’ll eat), and by the time I get home from my work day, the last thing I want to do is prepare vegetables for dinner, so we always have frozen veggies ready to go.
All my favourite foods are starchy and/or fattening – bread, cheese, chocolate, potatoes, chips, pasta – and I find it a real battle when going to the supermarket to not just pick up the ‘convenient’ stuff, and try to pick up the stuff that’s better for you but might take a little more preparation.
Another issue is portion sizes. My portion sizes were always quite small before I moved out of home, but when I moved in with Michael and his family, they served up huge portions night after night, and therefore my stomach stretched and now it takes more to fill me up. We’ve continued to eat large portions – instead of a small bowl of stroganoff or pasta, we’ll have a full bowl or sometimes a PLATEful.
I get really depressed when I think of how I’ve let myself go. I look back at pictures and see how skinny I really was when I thought I was fat. My stomach, thighs and arms are covered in stretchmarks, I feel horrible about myself, my (TMI) libido has disappeared, and I lack confidence in the person I see in the mirror.
I appreciate all the opportunties and experiences in my life – but I feel like losing all this weight will be the complete freedom I need. I know what my issues are and what I need to do to lose the weight – I’ve taken the first of many steps by walking to work since we live a little closer now – but this is only the beginning. By the end of it, I want to be around the 80kg/175lbs mark. That’s a good 20kg (44lbs) to lose. It’s going to be hard, but I need to do it for myself and for my future.
Some pictures:
2004 (look at my arms! So skinny!)
2007
Nov 2009
June 2010
For years I’ve gone on about how inspiring things are, how unique and intriguing things are. Right now, I’m feeling very uninspired. To the point of boredom. I’m not blaming anything or anyone in particular (except for myself, I suppose) for my feelings towards my life right now. It really feels like I’m just ‘going through the motions’ – doing what I have to do to survive, ie. getting up, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, going to bed. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I’ve not always felt like this. I used to feel inspired every day, feel different every day, and have something new to talk about or just feel a certain way about. Lately, that’s been lacking. I don’t know if it’s the aspect of settling into a new phase of life (marriage) or if its something else. I mean, with my feeling this way so soon after getting married, the average person would think it has something to do with that, but I can honestly say I don’t know why I’m like I am.
I’m tired. Honestly, I’ve never felt this tired in my entire life. And it’s consistent. Constant tired, constant struggle to keep my eyes open and my mind ‘on the job’. I’m only 21 – I’m meant to be lively and full of energy, not dull and boring and almost asleep by 9pm.
I’m feeling lost, I guess is the best way to put it. I’m in a rut. I don’t feel like I’m heading in any particular direction. I’m sitting stagnant. Maybe my subconscious feels there’s nothing left to do – I have a good job, I’m married – that’s what life says is all you need, right? Well, life, you’re wrong. I need more than just the job and marriage. I need stimulation. I need a few more challenges. I need something to mix it up once in a while. I mean, is that so much to ask?
This is just my head, at 10:55pm on a Monday night. I’ll probably be fine in the morning.
So, it’s now officially less than three weeks until I’m a Mrs. I can’t believe how quickly this has come around – it honestly feels like I was only posting here to announce we’d made the decision to get married about a week ago, and now it’s happening. I don’t have any nerves or anxieties about the marriage itself – I’m more worried on how the day will turn out, if I’ll fall flat on my face, cry and make my makeup run, or if my hair will get all fucked up. I’m trying not to worry too much about things – whatever happens will happen for a reason – but being a control freak I can’t help myself sometimes.
Pretty much everything is organised – yesterday was the RSVP cut-off date, so I now just need to send out a message to everyone to let them know if they haven’t RSVPed, they need to do it within the next couple of days at the latest, since we need to confirm numbers for catering and such.
The ceremony has been finalised with our celebrant, so that’s complete. My bouquet I decided not to make, but ordered them from a local florist. They are silk roses – a pink bunch for myself and white posys for my bridesmaids (I thought pink against my white dress and white against their pink dresses would be cute). We’ve also got a photographer lined up, whom we just need to meet with and discuss what we’re after, since he also works away from here 4 weeks at a time (4 weeks on, 4 weeks off).
The only other thing I’ve kind of left until the last minute was my dress hoop and the invites to the Hen’s Night. I thought I might not need the hoop, but I have ordered one from eBay and asked they send it asap, seeing as it’s only 3 weeks away! Also, I’ve been debating as to whom to invite to the Hen’s Night – friends are a no-brainer, but in terms of family it can be hard. Anyway, I guess I’ll just invite everyone and see what happens 
So it’s all fun and games in the Hyland-Baran household (soon to be just Baran – I’ve decided to take his name after months of being adamant I’d keep my own ) and I’ll keep you posted 
Firstly, I have the flu. Yup, it sucks, and I hate it because it probably means I’ll be taking tomorrow off work – something I definitely do NOT want to do, since I’ve had 6½ days off work already since I started on June 1st. Given, that’s like 6½ days out of 50, but I still feel really bad about it, like I’m giving the wrong impression as to how I feel about my work. I actually do enjoy my job; it’s something different every day, which keeps it interesting, and I normally don’t get this sick this often. We’ll see what happens I guess – no point stressing about it now, since it’ll probably keep me sick if i do.
In other news – the reception venue has been confirmed, and my wedding dress arrived on Thursday. I have tried it on and it’s perfect, but for obvious reasons, pictures of the dress shall not be posted online until after the wedding sorry to disappoint.
Invitations are half-done – just need to confirm addresses before I post them out – and then that’s about it in terms of the stuff I directly have to do – it’s all up to other people to get their shit together after that
Anyway, just a short update today – I feel too gross to type too much more.
